Monday, April 5, 2010

Time with friends

Today is the first time I will try to write down some of my thoughts in a blog. Although I’ve never enjoyed journaling with pen to paper, I do have aspirations of writing more seriously one day. A friend has encouraged me to create this blog page and I’m interested to try it out.

I have a morning planned with my best friend - a beautiful woman who I have had the pleasure to share laughter and tears, love and memories with for the last 17 years. She will be here in one hour and I am trepidatious about our meeting. The last few months have seen both of our lives tumble apart and start to be pieced back together. To honour her privacy I won’t provide details as to how we became best friends that don't call or see each other, but today we will spend some time together, she and I, and find out if the crack we created can be mended.

Of course it can - but this means that I need to change the way I’ve done things for the last 17 years. We had a great pattern going; I knew who she was and she knew me. Of course, people evolve and change (well, most of us), as do circumstances, and neither of us was ready to step out of our comfort zones when all this change started happening. So now I need to be present - I need to be emotionally available to her, to open my heart and be honest. To love her and be OK with who she is. To love myself and be OK with who I am. That scares me. I don't want to look at my "shortcomings", be called out on the things that I have done, or to be accountable for the things I need to do; to stand up as the woman that I am and look into her eyes and share myself. That is too deep, too much to do...

…or perhaps, as my amazing husband told me, I should let it be. Call her, have her call me. Know that we are good and we always will be. Change is inevitable and if we can trust this process and ultimately each other, then all can be right with the world, at least our portion of it. So there is, really, nothing to do except trust things and relax. I have 15 minutes left and she’d probably appreciate it if I brushed my teeth before she arrived. I have so much to say. I have so many points to make that I’ve written them down so that I don’t get off track.

Or maybe today I will listen.